I’ve been reading about stoicism for two years now with a special focus on Temperance.

noun: moderation in action, thought, or feeling : RESTRAINT

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/temperance

I used to have immediate reactions and would just go along and even double down on my immediate reactions. I would feel offended, wronged, slighted without thought and fights would ensue with folks that I really didn’t want to be arguing with.

My words and actions were NOT thought through. I was just reacting. My fight or flight system was activated and I was ready to go to battle.

My interpretation of this virtue (Temperance), is that we need to think things through. We cannot be controlled by our reactions, we must be our own keepers. Knowledge inside of our heads is a funny thing. An issue specific to me is that I used to have a tendency to believe (in the moment) that my thoughts were A) right and B) Universal. A lot of folks tend to think they are right, but few are. This one should be common. However, B is something I wonder if it’s specific to me.

Let me explain. When I am reacting, I take the collective assumptions my brain has extrapolated, then have some sort of expectation that the other person should know all of this. And in assuming. this, I get offended. Here’s an example. My wife is at work all day. I’m having a hard day at work, morning drop off was a big pain, everything I try to do turns bad. After work, I do some dishes, fold some laundry, etc. Then my wife comes home and unloads her hard day and on top of that says something about needing to fold laundry.

In the past, and sometimes today, these kind of scenarios would put me in reactive mode. I would come off as hostile and be a general grump and I would escalate to a fight. I would regret it later, but I was just reacting to my feelings and my perceived notion of injustice.

I could have taken a moment to ask myself:

• What kind of day my wife had to vent about it right as she walks in?
• Does she know what kind of day I had? Is the right time to tell her right NOW or should we comfort her first?
• Why do I feel so wronged when she mentions the laundry? How is she supposed to know?
• Why do I feel so wronged that I don’t get to vent now and she is venting at ME? How is she supposed to know I had a rough day?

Just taking a moment to interrogate myself just a little bit has been a breakthrough for me.

I can’t get there every time, but it does help a lot of the time. This isn’t with just my wife, it’s with my kids too:

• Is this a realistic expectation out of a 8 year old?
• Have I taught this? Should I teach in a different way?
• Is yelling going to help the situation here? (sometimes yes, it does)
• Did they have a good day at school/lunch/recess?

This has helped me a ton. Hope it helps someone else out there too.